TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely outside of put. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, positive, let us have An additional location wherever American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth power," explained political strategist Trump Tower Damascus Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really cease using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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